A note to the marrieds from the single friend

So first of all, someone in the ward wasn't at Church on Sunday, but heard about the beginning of my talk and asked how I'd put it, so here is a little humor for you with how I began my talk. For my family and friends reading my blog who are not Mormon, the general meeting at church is not an address given by a preacher. Members of the congregation give the talks. I was asked to be one of the three speakers this last Sunday. Customarily the speakers are a married couple. The wife goes first, and she always begins with the story of the family, how the couple met, etc, before she gives her talk about the gospel. Well, since I am my family, I tried to think of a clever way to introduce "us". So I started out by saying that I met myself in July of 1975. I continued saying, "And you know, I kind of think it was meant to be, I mean, I really think I knew myself in the preexistence..." And I hope I didn't offend anybody, because there are many who express belief that they knew their spouse or a friend in the preexistence. But it brought some laughs, and then I gave my talk. Hardee-har-har...


Anyway, back to the real subject of my blog tonight. I don't really remember this being the case so much when I was growing up, but for sure I remember in college, my friends used to talk to me about their problems. I do recognize that my whole life, people have always been able to open up to me about things that they are not comfortable talking about with others. Some have said it's because I am very honest in my feedback, others have told me that they know I won't judge them, others say they know that I won't tell others what we talk about - there's been lots of reason given. I've just always told my friends that they each have a little space in my brain where when we talk, the conversation is stored there and the secrets are protected under lock and key. I have a really good memory (which I've always found to be a curse) and I remember what people tell me. Years later I can remember conversations. And I do listen, I don't talk back a lot. As the years have passed, I find it more and more difficult to actually participate in conversations because I've become so accustomed to just listening and talking through friends' problems. Silly, I know.

But it can weigh me down when people complain to me (I hope this doesn't seem like I am complaining to my readers as that's not my intent.) I remember the bad stuff just as much as I remember the good stuff. Can I tell you the worst complaint I can hear? It's when a friend complains to me about her husband/his wife or her/his children.

Now please don't anyone start to worry and think, oh no, what have I said to make [me] want to blog about this? It's nothing recent - I promise, promise (especially because I talked to at least two friends about their kids today), but some recent blogs I've read by friends have started me thinking about it again. First, I give you my former mission companion. Read this entry of hers. I would like to emphasize one of her statements: "I wouldn't go back to that time for anything." Now I'm not complaining about my life at all. I've been pretty darn lucky with what I've done, where I've been, who has been a part of my life. But she speaks the truth my friends when she says: "...but I was so lonely." If there is one person out there who thinks I don't want to be married, I don't want to have kids - I am sorry I gave you that impression. There is nothing I want more. But as I don't get to enjoy those blessings right now, I try really hard to make due with what I have.

You want to put me in a bad mood? You want to make me not like you? Complain to me about your spouse. You will wipe away any happiness I am feeling in an instant. Do you know how lucky you are to have a significant other? I could go on and on, but I won't - because the point of this blog is not to depress me . I'm just asking you to please consider my feelings before you decide that the single girl is probably bitter about men and would totally sympathize with you and your frustrations with your husband. Snap out of it! Or I'm going to punch you in the nose. I'm not bitter about men. I don't think I ever have been. I don't blame them for my being single. Remember, most of my close friends have been men. I just want you to recognize how lucky you indeed are.

And your children. Do you know how lucky you are to have children? And I'm not just speaking as a single girl. I'm speaking as a friend of many men and women who, after years of trying, after spending so much money on unsuccessful treatments, have not been able to conceive a child on their own. Even adoption these days is difficult (see my Help Zach and Jennie adopt link on the side of my blog.) Yes, it's OK if your kid is having a bad day to call me. If the baby just won't stop crying, heck, crying doesn't bother me - I'll come rescue you for a while so you can have a break. No worry, I love to help out. But lets limit the complaints. Take it from one who knows - children know when their parents or leaders are disappointed in them and when they speak ill of them. It can be very hurtful. I know, I know, we all laughed in So I Married an Axe Murderer when the dad jokes about his sons huge head, but I hope we all deep down also feel really sorry for the kid (at least I feel that way.) Maybe it's because I feel as though I was a very bratty child, how poorly I treated some of the kids who weren't as lucky as I was - I am so undeserving of so many of the blessings in my own life, but you can really help shape an adult, a teenager, by how you treat them as a child - I can tell you that majority of my insecurities are nothing new - they are a lifetime in the making. If you feel you are having a tough day with your kids, read about my high school friend's day with her autistic son. She shares some really tough experiences on her blog, and maybe her blog helps her to sort it all out and be OK with everything at the end of the day. I don't know - but remember, someone always has it worse than you (though really, if you ask her, I don't think she thinks she has it bad. And I don't either). Count the blessing you do have. Please.

Please know, I'm not saying stop calling me, stop catching me in the hall to talk. I am happy to make your day better, I'm happy to listen. Maybe I'm the one who reminds you that someone does have it worse than you - happy to be that person for you (please just don't tell me that's the case to my face.) I hope you will at least take note of my heart felt opinion. I just wish we could remember more the day when divorce wasn't even considered an option, when homes were smaller and families were larger. There is so much happiness to be had when you stop to think about the alternative, you know... the single life.

OK, thank you for reading. Now go kiss your spouse and your children. Go blog about how great they are. Have a happy day!