Blah!

I hesitate to write this one, because it is saying a bit more than I am comfortable with… but at the same time, I get a little tired of the questions and the worried looks and such. That overwhelming question I get – “Do you date?” Yes people, I date. Yesterday, my fourth relationship in the last two years ended. The other three, not a big deal. They were good guys, nothing wrong with them, but we didn’t mesh super well, so not too big of deal they didn’t work out in the end. This one, this one was really good. He was really good. We were really good. Or at least I thought so. And he said so too. Until he sent a surprise text yesterday (yes, we’re 40 and he did it over text) that it was over. I’ll be totally honest, I am crushed. I have had good relationships end many times over. It sucks. But this sucked most.

I had one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had at work. I was already on the brink of losing it daily. And then this cherry topped it all yesterday.

Ironically, the Gospel Doctrine lesson I taught last Sunday (oh, I have a calling in my new ward – I’m a Gospel Doctrine teacher and I LOVE it) – but in the lesson about obedience, the conversation went in the direction of obeying and trusting the Lord when he asks us to do hard things. Honestly, I feel like that is all I’m asked to do. Don’t you? There are no breaks. And I know, we talk about how he’s just preparing us for something better, but it seems like most people see their rewards sooner than this. I’m little miss positive, smile through the pain, don’t show them you are hurting, but it is starting to get too hard to hide it. And the whole infamous quote “The Lord will not give you more than you can handle” – I’m beyond what I can handle. I want to say that there’s nowhere to go but up, except, I know that isn’t true because each time I reassure myself of that, I learn, nope, you can sink lower. I really do wish there was relief in sight. I really do wish I could have more than the too short moments of happiness. I’m super tempted to leave it all behind – to move away, move where I know nobody, so I can just be happy as me and have no one know me so that I can’t be sad about the things wrong in my life. Wouldn’t that be a dream.  

I’m also very aware, and agree, you have to be happy with who you are. I am happy with who I am. But I also know we aren’t supposed to be alone. I also know that I’m not supposed to be too independent because no one likes a girl like that (and it does the other way, I’m not attracted to the guys who are too independent themselves.) And I’d found someone who finally appreciated some of those things about me. But it didn’t seem to matter in the end.

But alas, the search continues….

No comments needed, I’m not looking for advice, words of encouragement, etc – if you know me, you know that kind of stuff makes me gag. I’m also pretty sure no one reads this anymore since I’m so infrequent with my posts. So in the end it won’t matter. I just needed to get this off my chest as I move on this week. 



*** Added Note: Name burning (name scratched out in the photo to protect, well, to protect the dork, but I'm still being nice) is as effective and healing as it was in college when the tradition began. 

 

**And another added note - I have the absolute best friends.