What Has Been on My Mind, part I

So I've been a bit out of the blogging world lately with a lot of changes of late. Here's a quick recap for those who didn't know...

All summer, and maybe into last spring too, I was feeling like I should move back to Saratoga Springs, into my aunt's (well, my mother's cousin if you want to be exact) house. I didn't get it, I delayed and delayed, thinking - um, I own a place, why would I move? Well, I asked, she said yes, I listed my place for rent, it rented in 2 days, I moved the next weekend, the day after I finished moving in, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. Hmm.... a lot to take in - yes. Should I have listened and asked about moving in earlier? Maybe so. Anyways, my aunt is doing awesome. All the cancer was removed in surgery, she is home recovering and doing radiation as a precaution, and may return to teaching before Christmas break if all goes well. All this, while I, maybe unwisely, am taking three classes this semester. It's a bit much with all the changes, but so be it. I take what life throws at me. So now you are kind of caught up on the last few months of my life.

I've had a lot of other things on my mind of late too. When I read my scriptures at night, my mind rarely is actually taking in the words I am reading. Instead, my mind is reminded of this thing or that thing, and instead, my mind works out problems I am having, etc. So it is a good time for inspiration I suppose. But I thought I would just mention, post by post, some of the things on my mind. And it is always good if readers, if I have any, can give feedback on these things too, to help me out.

Last week, I went to dinner with a former Stake RS president that I served under as a Ward RS president (a Mormon thing.) I have always found it interesting just how many of my former leaders are still keeping track of me. But that is for another post. What I wanted to talk about tonight is something we'd talked about. That lovely subject of marriage.... uh oh!

I am going to be totally honest here folks, and I may have mentioned this before, but I have never really seen myself getting married. Do I want to get married? Well, duh!!! Hellooooo???!!! Of course I do. But the guys don't necessarily see things that way and I've always been the best pal (more on that one later too). So I sit here at 35, single, and still on that path I saw life leading too - an eternity alone.

Shirley had asked me about some guy friends of mine, who though I haven't seen in years, I know are still single. She wanted to know what the problem was? Why weren't they married? I wish I knew. These are truly some awesome men. They are 100% straight, so don't let your mind wander in that direction of reasoning. In fact, our Bishop taught the 5th Sunday lesson a few weeks back. While he was teaching, my mind kept wandering to a single friend who has moved to AZ. He is so awesome. He would be a wonderful Bishop, or Bishopric member - but he can't be, because he is single. Not only is he missing out on the opportunity to serve, but his ward members are missing out on the opportunity to learn from him. Darn you marriage!

Anyways, I was talking some things over with her, and then I brought up something that I myself wonder about all the time. Say the opportunity MIRACULOUSLY presented itself, and I did have the opportunity to marry a great guy (oh come on, I had to throw in the great part...I've waited how long?) I am 35. My best friend from childhood who has now been married 15 years, and my closest friend here in UT, married not for so long, they both are "doing well." They live in larger homes, they have been able to build, with their husbands of course at the head of the family, a nice lifestyle. They have had time to do this. Were I to marry now, would I expect all of that right off the bat? When I was young and in college, as opposed to now where I am old and in college again, I always dreamed of marrying young and being dirt poor with my husband. I always loved the stories of the couples who grew so close, learning to rely upon each other, learning what really did matter most (of course it isn't anything financial.) And I carried that dream for a while. But now, would I really be OK with that? I want to think I still would, that I still would be OK with the whole "starting out" idea. I am most definitely still OK with just getting a wedding band, I'm not a big, showy ring kind of gal - I'm an athlete remember. But what about other stuff? Furniture, neighborhood, etc. I don't ever need to live in a mansion or huge home - I love to clean, but not that much I'd still like a life. And I don't need a sports car or luxury vehicle even. But I've come to the point where I know I've worked my tail off in a career for over 10 years, I hope I've earned a little something?

Do my guy friend feel that pressure as they too get older? That they are going to have to provide quite the lifestyle for their wife since they are marrying older? I really hope not, I really hope that is not what is holding them back. I really hope that the girls they are dating are not setting out of control expectations for them. I really hope I don't present that attitude when I go out on dates.

But I can understand why they would stress about it, since as much as I try not to, I do too.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter? Am I totally off my rocker?